[Well, she is fucking stupid because he knows better, and he knows better only because he is exactly the same. He has the same hang-ups minus sword wielding.
She gets the good ol’ treatment. He leans forward and carefully twines his arms around her neck to hug her.]
The sword doesn’t make you, you know. That’s a talent you won’t lose. You’re you because you’re Gideon. Because no matter what, you’d still try, you’d still think of another way. Even if it’s dumb as shit like throwing yourself on some spikes.
Just like… Devilman isn’t why I’m me. And even without Devilman, I’d still try. To help Ryo, to help you, to help Miki, anyone. It’s why I kept running track even though I was dead last every time. I was garbage at it before.
[she is very stupid, which is why she's not expecting him to hug her. she should be, but she isn't - so when he does, he'll feel how she's holding herself stiffly, almost painfully still. the hug doesn't get her to relax any, because half of it is that she's in a shitton of pain that she refuses to admit to, but she tries. she makes an effort to loosen up.
she closes her eye, exhaling harshly.]
I'm not... [she starts, hopelessly, but she gives up on that. silence, for another long moment.] Akira.
[she says his name, and it's sad. he's got his foot through the brick wall she's trying to put up, as usual.]
[That’s okay. He hugs her and keeps hugging her, but it’s light, so he doesn’t hurt her any.
He brushes his hand comfortingly over the nape of her neck. He does it because he’s realized he appreciates it when it’s done to him.
The pain in his name hurts his heart. Water wells up uncontrollably in his eyes; he rarely cries for himself, but he most certainly cries for other people. In particular, the ones who can’t.]
Keep going. [His voice is a little tight from the tears.] If you can’t tell anyone else, you can always tell me. I’ll listen.
I saw Harrowhark. I remember what she said. I don’t think she gave a rats ass whether or not you could swing a sword in that moment. What she cared about is that you were with her. Okay?
[she swallows hard, and then finally shifts, turning to curl into him. she presses her face against his shoulder and gives up on trying to pretend. she really never can with him, if only because he never lets her.
harrowhark cares about you, whether you can protect her or not. that doesn't seem right. it doesn't feel true, but... she saw how harrow reacted. she saw how other people reacted, too. that's the thing - she has so much to lose, now.
she brings a hand up to hold onto akira, shakily.]
... They put us in a field. [she says, unsteadily.] Me and Waters. And we were supposed to fight, and when we wouldn't, they made us. I couldn't stop. He couldn't either.
Yeah. Yeah, we - we fought each other, but it - Akira, it was to the death. [her voice breaks, on that last word, and she clears her throat.] He - took my fingers clean off, I took my fucking sword to his face. I was going to take his head off.
[the stupid thing is if it'd been harrow - it would've hurt, but she's not unused to it. fighting harrow is another tuesday, and while she would've held onto that for a long time, that harrow wasn't real. she wasn't there.
thancred was, though. she has to pick up the pieces, after. the place made her, just like ryo and akira, and she swallows hard, again.]
[This doesn't surprise him. Honestly, he'd probably have done the same. He did do the same, in a way. They weren't throwing physical violence, but they were throwing emotional ones.]
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She gets the good ol’ treatment. He leans forward and carefully twines his arms around her neck to hug her.]
The sword doesn’t make you, you know. That’s a talent you won’t lose. You’re you because you’re Gideon. Because no matter what, you’d still try, you’d still think of another way. Even if it’s dumb as shit like throwing yourself on some spikes.
Just like… Devilman isn’t why I’m me. And even without Devilman, I’d still try. To help Ryo, to help you, to help Miki, anyone. It’s why I kept running track even though I was dead last every time. I was garbage at it before.
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she closes her eye, exhaling harshly.]
I'm not... [she starts, hopelessly, but she gives up on that. silence, for another long moment.] Akira.
[she says his name, and it's sad. he's got his foot through the brick wall she's trying to put up, as usual.]
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He brushes his hand comfortingly over the nape of her neck. He does it because he’s realized he appreciates it when it’s done to him.
The pain in his name hurts his heart. Water wells up uncontrollably in his eyes; he rarely cries for himself, but he most certainly cries for other people. In particular, the ones who can’t.]
Keep going. [His voice is a little tight from the tears.] If you can’t tell anyone else, you can always tell me. I’ll listen.
I saw Harrowhark. I remember what she said. I don’t think she gave a rats ass whether or not you could swing a sword in that moment. What she cared about is that you were with her. Okay?
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harrowhark cares about you, whether you can protect her or not. that doesn't seem right. it doesn't feel true, but... she saw how harrow reacted. she saw how other people reacted, too. that's the thing - she has so much to lose, now.
she brings a hand up to hold onto akira, shakily.]
... They put us in a field. [she says, unsteadily.] Me and Waters. And we were supposed to fight, and when we wouldn't, they made us. I couldn't stop. He couldn't either.
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He relaxes a little, shifts to let her, and he holds her the way he wasn’t able to hold so many people.]
Like a battle? It must have been frustrating. So you fought…?
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a pause.]
Yeah. Yeah, we - we fought each other, but it - Akira, it was to the death. [her voice breaks, on that last word, and she clears her throat.] He - took my fingers clean off, I took my fucking sword to his face. I was going to take his head off.
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The muscles in the back of his shoulders tighten. He thinks about Ryo. He thinks about him and Ryo, and he hugs her a bit more closely.]
It sucks, being forced to fight a friend, to fight someone you care about. I get it. It wasn’t your fault. That place made you.
Just like ours made us, too.
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thancred was, though. she has to pick up the pieces, after. the place made her, just like ryo and akira, and she swallows hard, again.]
I stopped myself.
[she says, finally, tense.]
I wouldn't kill him.
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That's okay. I don't blame you.
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... I wish you would.
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Don't say that. I'm not blaming you. If I blame you, I might as well blame myself.
[But he does. He does A Lot.]
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I don't want you to have to stop yourself either.
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I've already been there, Gideon. I've already not been able to stop myself before. And I killed a bunch of humans when I didn't.
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That's not... [and then she gives up. she just grunts.]
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Don’t blame yourself for not wanting to hurt someone else.
[He rests a hand on her shoulder carefully.]