[she swallows hard, and then finally shifts, turning to curl into him. she presses her face against his shoulder and gives up on trying to pretend. she really never can with him, if only because he never lets her.
harrowhark cares about you, whether you can protect her or not. that doesn't seem right. it doesn't feel true, but... she saw how harrow reacted. she saw how other people reacted, too. that's the thing - she has so much to lose, now.
she brings a hand up to hold onto akira, shakily.]
... They put us in a field. [she says, unsteadily.] Me and Waters. And we were supposed to fight, and when we wouldn't, they made us. I couldn't stop. He couldn't either.
Yeah. Yeah, we - we fought each other, but it - Akira, it was to the death. [her voice breaks, on that last word, and she clears her throat.] He - took my fingers clean off, I took my fucking sword to his face. I was going to take his head off.
[the stupid thing is if it'd been harrow - it would've hurt, but she's not unused to it. fighting harrow is another tuesday, and while she would've held onto that for a long time, that harrow wasn't real. she wasn't there.
thancred was, though. she has to pick up the pieces, after. the place made her, just like ryo and akira, and she swallows hard, again.]
[This doesn't surprise him. Honestly, he'd probably have done the same. He did do the same, in a way. They weren't throwing physical violence, but they were throwing emotional ones.]
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harrowhark cares about you, whether you can protect her or not. that doesn't seem right. it doesn't feel true, but... she saw how harrow reacted. she saw how other people reacted, too. that's the thing - she has so much to lose, now.
she brings a hand up to hold onto akira, shakily.]
... They put us in a field. [she says, unsteadily.] Me and Waters. And we were supposed to fight, and when we wouldn't, they made us. I couldn't stop. He couldn't either.
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He relaxes a little, shifts to let her, and he holds her the way he wasn’t able to hold so many people.]
Like a battle? It must have been frustrating. So you fought…?
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a pause.]
Yeah. Yeah, we - we fought each other, but it - Akira, it was to the death. [her voice breaks, on that last word, and she clears her throat.] He - took my fingers clean off, I took my fucking sword to his face. I was going to take his head off.
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The muscles in the back of his shoulders tighten. He thinks about Ryo. He thinks about him and Ryo, and he hugs her a bit more closely.]
It sucks, being forced to fight a friend, to fight someone you care about. I get it. It wasn’t your fault. That place made you.
Just like ours made us, too.
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thancred was, though. she has to pick up the pieces, after. the place made her, just like ryo and akira, and she swallows hard, again.]
I stopped myself.
[she says, finally, tense.]
I wouldn't kill him.
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That's okay. I don't blame you.
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... I wish you would.
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Don't say that. I'm not blaming you. If I blame you, I might as well blame myself.
[But he does. He does A Lot.]
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I don't want you to have to stop yourself either.
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I've already been there, Gideon. I've already not been able to stop myself before. And I killed a bunch of humans when I didn't.
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That's not... [and then she gives up. she just grunts.]
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Don’t blame yourself for not wanting to hurt someone else.
[He rests a hand on her shoulder carefully.]