[there's a pause, and then she rests her chin on his shoulder.]
That's not the answer I was hoping for. [she says, and it's a little bit of a joke. something trying to ease the tension.] So waking up here with him probably was a bit of a pisser.
That's not the most unreasonable thing I've ever heard him say. [... she gives akira a little squeeze. a baby hug. it's funny - it's easier to do with him for whatever reason. she struggles with physical contact with all the other people in hell, but. akira's comfortable, apparently.
she exhales slow.] Fuck.
[and like the screens want to just continue to make things horrible forever, the one in front of them flickers and snaps on. gideon mutters something that sounds absolutely foul as the video plays, with helpful narration.
You're in the dark.
It's hard to see, in here. You are in a dome of perpetual bone (the rhyme makes you laugh somewhere in the back of your mind) and you are under fucking siege by the Lyctor outside, but the only thing you can really focus on is the parts of Harrowhark's face that you can see in the dim light the Sixth's dinky torch provides. It's mostly blood. Her face, you mean, it's just so bloody. It's coming out of her pores. And yet - you're proud. She's raised a solid wall of bone, six inches thick, and is holding it up to protect all three of you, and you're weirdly, wildly proud of her.
And also sick with terror, but not for yourself. For her, as she keels over.
You catch her. And you insist she take from you, but she refuses. No. Not ever again, she says, not after what happened to the Eighth, and you feel the frustration rise up in your throat because there's no way she can hold this for long, not with the Lyctor outside, and you realize - that's her intention.
"I don't have to hold it forever," she says, spitting out a clot of blood.
You tell her that her plan - she holds the wall, and you and Camilla jump off the cliff behind you into the sea, all you have to do is survive the fall - you tell her that her plan is stupid, and so is she, and she grabs you by the front of your shirt and hisses at you, you promised. You promised to go back and take care of the Tomb, and you think, wildly, fuck the tomb, fuck that.
You tell Camilla to shut up, too. She's not going to sacrifice herself. No, absolutely not, not after Palamedes - not after...
You try not to think about that, because you don't have time.
You look down at your necromancer. She has the heavy-lidded expression of someone who was concentrating in the knowledge that when they stopped concentrating, they would abruptly fall asleep. You know that if she goes under, she won't wake up again. She lifts her hand - it trembles - and taps you on the cheek.
"Nav," she says, "have you really forgiven me?"
"Of course I have, you bozo," you say, and you think. Well, yeah, if that isn't proof you're all definitely going to die you don't know what is.
"You know I don't give a damn about the Locked Tomb, right?" you say in a rush, like you have to get it all out. "You know I only care about you. I'm no good at this duty thing. I'm just me. I can't do this without you. And I'm not your real cavalier primary. I never could've been."
And here's the thing - she laughs. You're not sure you've ever heard her really laugh. Ever, in all these years. It's softer than you imagined.
"Gideon the Ninth, first flower of my House," she says, hoarsely, "you are the greatest cavalier we have ever produced. You are our triumph. The best of all of us. It has been my privilege to be your necromancer."
And - that's enough of that. You stand up so suddenly that you nearly knock yourself out, and you start pacing. You look at the small, cramped space around you. The dead leaves, the cracked flagstones, Camilla - who was nice enough to pretend like she wasn't paying attention to the two of you - the powdery grey drifts of bone. The iron spikes of the railings.
"Yeah, fuck it. I'm getting us out of here," you say, and you take a deep breath. You pull off your black robe, you strip your gloves, roll your sleeves up. You are calm. It's just your body that's frightened.
Harrow makes confused sounds at you, but you just shake your head. "Harrow, I can't keep my promise, because the entire point of me is you. You get that, right? That's what cavaliers sign up for. There is no me without you. One flesh, one end."
"Nav," she says, suspicious. "what are you doing?"
"The cruelest thing anyone has ever done to you in your whole life, believe me," you say. "You'll know what to do, and if you don't do it, what I'm about to do will be no use to anyone."
And you turn, and you ignore any protests of anything else, you just - think. One last time, you are Gideon Nav, and you are not afraid, not anymore.
[hey? fuck you in the hiney. ALSO HIS W|WxM|M HUG 🥺🥺 He is very accustomed to hugging Ryo all the time, but obviously... that has been a little rocky lately. For him.
So he appreciate Gideon's.
Only to have little time to enjoy it before the screen winks on. It's something he understands well, though it's not a surprise he and Gideon have a lot in common. It's a kind of love he's actually a bit mesmerized by, like the love he thought he saw between two demons once before. Love in a place he didn't think existed.
And still, the whole of this, the words, There is no me without you, he will not fully comprehend in the right way until somewhat later today.]
It’s not funny. What he saw isn’t funny, but her reaction to him stating the obvious is funny. And even funnier is the fact he doesn’t see this from the person who has it for him, only the person he had it for.
It’s not funny, but he laughs for a second, reaching a hand back to put it in her knee. He looks at her when most might turn away.]
You love her, [he says with more conviction.] You love her, and you did the stupidest thing, and I get it.
You really jumped on a bunch of spikes for her. [He isn't going to let it go. She did a stupid fucking thing, but this is way better than his shitty memories, so.] Hey.
[He nudges her with an elbow. His amusement softens.]
You should tell her. If you haven't. You should tell her because... you'll regret it forever if you never get the chance.
Long story. There's a tomb. Nonagesimus was obsessed with it, opened it when she was a kid, saw the body in there and fell in love with it. She told me herself. She said I wanted to live forever in case she woke up, that's pretty cut and dry.
[that's... well, that's true. gideon kind of just flounders, for a second, and then:]
I don't know what to do about it. [which is about as honest as she can get. the stupidest thing is that gideon thinks it's obvious, and that she was turned down. not that either of them have talked about this in the least.]
[This is fair. His expression softens, and there's a hint of sympathy frustration at the edges. He gets it.
Is she stupid as hell? Yes. But so is he.]
You said she didn't remember the same things as you either, right? It's tough. [His weak smile is an attempt to be reassuring.] It's okay to say how you feel.
No matter what happens, or what she says, I think... you should be able to say how you feel. I know... I regret not telling Miki how I felt. Because I thought... it wouldn't work. Since I lived with them, since they were like family. I thought she'd only see my that way. So I never said anything. All that mattered was whether or not I could keep her safe, make her laugh.
[That's the serious answer. The not serious answer:]
[the serious answer - that feels a little how she feels now. right now, she's got harrow. harrowhark is with her, for better or for worse, and if she changes that dynamic... she doesn't want to think about it. life without her getting to continue living was unthinkable enough that she threw herself on an iron spike to make sure.
she thinks about that stupid love potion, the one that didn't work, and rubs at her face.
and then akira gives her the not serious answer and she chokes on her own spit.]
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He grips the handlebars like before, but he doesn't drop his head. His shoulder tense back, then relax.]
I'm okay.
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[she's afraid the screen is going to start showing her shit, and she's trying to put that off. somehow. it's not really like it's her choice.]
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[His head tips back; he drops it a little between his shoulders so he can look up above them. He exhales, short.]
There isn't really anything to say. I did fight him after. It didn't end well.
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Did one of you die?
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His head lowers, and he glances over his shoulder at her briefly. Then his eyes shift away.]
Yeah. Me.
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That's not the answer I was hoping for. [she says, and it's a little bit of a joke. something trying to ease the tension.] So waking up here with him probably was a bit of a pisser.
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I've been pretty mad about a lot... with Ryo. [So far, he means. Here. He's quiet for a long moment.] ...I told him.
About being Satan.
[He says it like an apology.]
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I told Harrowhark how I actually died, so I guess thumbs up to us making bad decisions. [...] How'd he take it?
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A weak smile appears briefly on his mouth. They both fucking SUCK, dude.] It's hard to keep, huh? In this place. [He gets it. Boy, he gets it.
He shakes his head.]
He... said he wanted to find the truth himself. That he... couldn't take my word for it.
[It's fine. Ryo gets a BIG surprise this week.]
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That's not the most unreasonable thing I've ever heard him say. [... she gives akira a little squeeze. a baby hug. it's funny - it's easier to do with him for whatever reason. she struggles with physical contact with all the other people in hell, but. akira's comfortable, apparently.
she exhales slow.] Fuck.
[and like the screens want to just continue to make things horrible forever, the one in front of them flickers and snaps on. gideon mutters something that sounds absolutely foul as the video plays, with helpful narration.
]
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So he appreciate Gideon's.
Only to have little time to enjoy it before the screen winks on. It's something he understands well, though it's not a surprise he and Gideon have a lot in common. It's a kind of love he's actually a bit mesmerized by, like the love he thought he saw between two demons once before. Love in a place he didn't think existed.
And still, the whole of this, the words, There is no me without you, he will not fully comprehend in the right way until somewhat later today.]
You love her.
[Sorry, he just
blurts it right out.]
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anyway, he says this and she nearly falls off the bike.]
-- What? [DON'T JUST SAY IT]
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It’s not funny. What he saw isn’t funny, but her reaction to him stating the obvious is funny. And even funnier is the fact he doesn’t see this from the person who has it for him, only the person he had it for.
It’s not funny, but he laughs for a second, reaching a hand back to put it in her knee. He looks at her when most might turn away.]
You love her, [he says with more conviction.] You love her, and you did the stupidest thing, and I get it.
[Softer:]
I would have done it for Miki, too.
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Huhhghhhh. [is her response. she's so embarrassed. especially when he relates it to miki, she - god, he just looks right at her. she wants to perish.
she's shown this memory to several people and nobody has just! said it! what do you mean she has to confront this!!]
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You really jumped on a bunch of spikes for her. [He isn't going to let it go. She did a stupid fucking thing, but this is way better than his shitty memories, so.] Hey.
[He nudges her with an elbow. His amusement softens.]
You should tell her. If you haven't. You should tell her because... you'll regret it forever if you never get the chance.
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It's... [she starts, and then just kind of sighs.]
No, you don't get it. She can't reciprocate. Even if I did [you do] I'd just be setting myself up for disappointment.
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Because she's a priestess?
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She's--what?
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Long story. There's a tomb. Nonagesimus was obsessed with it, opened it when she was a kid, saw the body in there and fell in love with it. She told me herself. She said I wanted to live forever in case she woke up, that's pretty cut and dry.
[there's no room for gideon in that.]
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Hello? What does he even say to this, help him. He blinks.] I... don't know if that sounds like she's in love with it. [Does it?
He thinks about Harrow, and he thinks about Harrow having Ryo similarities.]
She called you a flower.
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I don't know what to do about it. [which is about as honest as she can get. the stupidest thing is that gideon thinks it's obvious, and that she was turned down. not that either of them have talked about this in the least.]
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Is she stupid as hell? Yes. But so is he.]
You said she didn't remember the same things as you either, right? It's tough. [His weak smile is an attempt to be reassuring.] It's okay to say how you feel.
No matter what happens, or what she says, I think... you should be able to say how you feel. I know... I regret not telling Miki how I felt. Because I thought... it wouldn't work. Since I lived with them, since they were like family. I thought she'd only see my that way. So I never said anything. All that mattered was whether or not I could keep her safe, make her laugh.
[That's the serious answer. The not serious answer:]
You could always ask her for a kiss.
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she thinks about that stupid love potion, the one that didn't work, and rubs at her face.
and then akira gives her the not serious answer and she chokes on her own spit.]
-- Abso-fucking-lutely not.
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Gideon, come on. Don't let me be the only person who has kissed her. She wasn't even into it. I thought she was gonna claw my eyes out.
[Think of the shitty bar drink.]
Just ask if you can kiss her sometime when nothing is going on.
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